I'm always fascinated by people who "always knew" the path that their life would take and miraculously ended up right where they expected. Once upon a time I even envied that. There are these people out there who decided in second grade that some day they'd be a doctor, marry a lawyer, have two kids (one boy and one girl of course), join a country club and spend their weekends alternately volunteering at homeless shelters and/or chilling poolside at their lake house. Remarkably these folks somehow stick to the plan, execute flawlessly and actually realize this little life. To be fair there are far less suburban white bread versions of this story that are equally true. Its incredible, but it really happens. Some people's lives just follow a plot line better than a B movie.
I am not that person, and I no longer envy those people. I've wasted a great deal of time looking outward saying to myself, "How do they do it? I have no idea what I want, heck a lot of what I thought I wanted isn't even that great. Why can't I just pick a direction, go there and be happy?" Then one day I realized the flaw in the carefully structured life of the B movie family. For that system to work, you have to stick to the script and lets face it, real life isn't scripted. Some of the best and worst developments in my life were completely unanticipated. If someone looked into my future 15 years ago and told me that one of the most rewarding things in my adult life would be step-parenting I would have scoffed at such a suggestion. Yet my indirect path to motherhood has been the best possible path for me.
When I was growing up there were a few things that were assumed, were simply given as a part of the framework underpinning my parent's ideology while raising me. First of all, I would be going to college. It was never "if you go", but when. Second, it was always assumed that someday I'd be a wife and mother. I don't think this is backward or sexist or anything worth editorializing, it's a statistical fact that most humans on this planet pair off and procreate. They assumed the same for my brother as well. (Of course it's also a statistical reality that the majority of marriages in the US end in divorce, but somehow we didn't see that one coming; guess we chalk that one up to optimism.)
I did go to college and while in college I met a nice boy and I did get married just a few days before my 22nd birthday. When one marries that young I wonder how clear a discussion about children any of us can really have. I was in no way ready for parenthood at that age, but I assumed that someday I might be. The discussions about eventual kids seemed like a thing of a far off future and I always figured I'd know when I'd be ready for that step. Yet, 5, 6, 7 years into the marriage I still didn't "feel like" having kids. I had enjoyed a successful and continually growing career, my life was very full and I just couldn't picture kids in it. I had made children the focus of my entire life career-wise, I loved kids, but I was always relieved to come home to a quiet house. Eventually that house became even more quiet, because marriage number one ended in divorce.
What was striking at that point was that everything in my life came to an abrupt halt at the same time. My job ended, my marriage ended and I lost my home. Even though I had taken the unscripted approach to life, this was an unprecedented lack of structure. I was completely lost. This is when I started to envy those scripted life people, except I'd never worked much from a script and when I looked backward I realized that if I'd only done the things I originally set out to do when I was young I would have missed some really amazing stuff. I was from a small town and I went to college to be a teacher. I didn't even know what a big amazing world was waiting for me until I went to college. If I'd stuck to the script I never would have moved to a big city or worked in a world class museum. I'd never have traveled the world or met the amazing people who taught me so much. Still, at that moment I was in complete limbo.
So, I made some tough choices. I returned to that small town to be near my family, got a life coach and got a menial job. It was weird, uncomfortable and confusing. I was starting over and I didn't really know what exactly I was starting. In the end I didn't start anything, I just continued my life unscripted.
I met a wonderful man who became a dear friend and much to my surprise became the love of my life. I never dreamed I'd ever date him because he was a father and I wasn't interested in that kind of baggage. But, as it turns out people aren't baggage and my husband is wonderful in part because he is an amazing father. In time it became apparent that we wanted to be a family and we decided to get married and in a little less than a year we were surprised to find ourselves expecting a child of our own. Sure, it's not the sort of path any of us expect for motherhood, but for me it's authentic, I own it and I know it's perfect for me and my little family.
